Feeling Low...Gonna Rant...

Since my last posting, I've finally started the whole "why am I an infertile" process.  Had my first and only meeting with the actual doctor on September 7th.  Results of that meeting/checkup revealed a bacterial infection that after reading up on it I am SOOO happy she diagnosed and treated.  Hoping it hasn't been around long enough to do any real damage to my system.

Husband provided sample for SA.  His numbers came back so low that the nurses were leading me to believe the doctor only saw IVF with ICSI as our only option.  Here's a tidbit to share with your men...make sure they get ALL of the sample in the container before turning it into the lab.  Husband missed a bit and well, that bit really counted because a second SA revealed ALL numbers in the normal range!!!

You can imagine how stressed I have been this month.  Before we received the results of the second SA, Husband and I talked about our options should IVF and ICSI be our only choice and he informed me that at this time he wasn't on board for any of that.  My heart broke.  I thank God every day that his numbers came back normal the second time around.  Thank you God! Thank you!

I attribute my later than normal late ovulation to this insane amount of stress.  I'm a late ovulator anyway, ovulating anywhere from day 18 to day 22.  However, this month I ovulated on day 23.  The one time I was pregnant, it was on day 18.  I know in my gut that my eggs aren't as good by the time I am ovulating and/or my progesterone is crap because the little follicle took too long to let it all go (I'm not a doctor...just a gut feeling).

On top of all of that, I have to call and call to remind them to contact me again.  It sounds like my doctor has SO much going on that infertiles have to take not necessarily the back seat, but maybe the middle row to those who are pregnant.  I mean I get that...I'm realistic...but please don't say you will call back and then wait for me to call two days later.  Please!  I would be happy with an update call just to touch base and ease my nerves.

On Monday, I had my blood drawn to check for progesterone.  This test is normally performed on day 5 or 7 after ovulating I believe. Due to this crazy knowledge gathering month, I was only on 1DPO.  On one day after ovulating, my levels were at 2.5.  The nurse assured me this was good as anything above .8 was normal for that time.  She also kept reminding me that I had ovulated.  I KNOW I OVULATED!  I'm a regular ovulator!  This is another sign that this office is so overwhelmed that they are treating all patients the same.  Not everyone has the same story.  I'm not blond, blue-eyed, or a 28 day cycler!  Come on!

The nurse keeps apologizing to me because she was supposed to get us an appointment (at the doctor's request) to meet with the doctor together to discuss possible reasons why Husband's SA results could have been so drastically different.  She also wanted to wait until my progesterone results were back.  I have been talking to the nurse since Monday and she was unable to catch up with the doctor until today and the doctor could not work me in due to emergency surgery with another patient.  I get it.  I do.  Just please call and please stop referring to me as anxious.  I am not anxious.  I am frustrated, mad, sad, angry...but not anxious.  Get it right.  

So the nurse and I have come up with a game plan.  They are going to monitor me for 3 cycles.  I am supposed to call when I either 1.) get my period or 2.) reach day 35 and take a pregnancy test - call either way.  I asked if I could ask for this specific nurse so someone would know my story and remember that I am me and not every other Pregnant Polly.  Fortunately, she said yes (also weird side note:  this girl graduated 1 year behind me in school, so she knows who I am...hoping this is why she is so willing to help).   So now I wait.  I'm on CD5 and while I have tender breasts, I always have tender breasts after ovulation.

Husband and I went to lunch.  I told him what the doctor said and my emotions got the best of me.  His response was to become irritated immediately.  I said sorry, but that is not what I need from you.  I need support.  I'm human...I have feelings...oh and I'm a crier.  He said he wasn't trying to not be supportive, he just hates to see me cry.  He's happy about the news and says it sounds like everything is turning out normal!  I appreciate his try at optimism, but it's not sinking in very well today.

I need a friend.  Best local friend is no longer an option as she is pregnant and I can't bring all of this negativity into her life.  Plus I'm a little pissed that she has not asked me about our journey once since the first time I got the nerve to actually tell her about what is going on.  (On a side note:  Sister hasn't asked me either.  She made reference to "when [we] were trying" as if we ever stopped!)  I need someone who will let me cry, who will let me be the victim one day and the strong supportive friend the next.  Someone who will not reply with don't stress, stay calm, or any other stupid phrase.  I need someone who will not ALWAYS talk about themselves and leave little room for anything but a one-liner from me.  I need someone to love me and allow me to just say what I'm thinking...even if it sounds absolutely awful!  I feel like I am drowning here and I know that these feelings will continue to get in the way of my getting pregnant and starting the one thing I have always wanted...a family.  

Ok...so now this blog is up-to-date.  I'm heading out of town with Mother and pregnant Sister for the night and a day of shopping tomorrow.  I know much of this time will revolve around grandchildren and how happy my parents are because of their existence.  God please be with me.
 

First Steps...

So I did it.  I called the doctor to schedule a fertility appointment.  I feel excited and relieved to have finally made that call.  I could not fall asleep last night and the later it got, the more awake I became.  Looking back now, I don't think it was anxiety as much as excitement and drive to keep myself pumped to call.  No one wants to make the call that starts the process that could tell them they are not perfect.  BUT, I can no longer take month after month of disappointment with no explanation.  The nurse will be calling me back to schedule a day and time after speaking with the doctor.  I can't wait to hear that day so I can start this process and move forward.  I feel empowered.

Update: 3 Hours Later: The doctor's office called and the first availability if OCTOBER 3rd.  A month from now.  I immediately started to cry and asked the nurse why so long and she said it was her first availability.  She felt awful and tried to look into it.  Since I never actually saw the doctor with my miscarriage, I guess I'm not technically a patient and don't deserve priority until I see her.  Nevermind that I paid her damn office to see ME and that all of my information is in their system.  The nurse said she would look through the schedule and see if there was an earlier opening, but I'm on the books for a month from now.

I am so angry I cried.  I have always been a sensitive, emotional girl, but it seems my emotions are always on the surface, waiting to erupt when I receive bad news about making a baby.  I feel like a failure and I am so disappointed in my body and my emotional state.

Now, I am fighting with myself over what to do with this next month.  I could just forget baby-making and relax this month, possibly wasting this month's baby-making opportunity, or I could continue on with my journey and just focus on baby-making...forgetting about the October 3rd appointment.  If anyone is reading this, what are your thoughts?  What would you do if you were me?  Are you having a hard time controlling the crying fits?  How do you control your emotions?

Prayers...

On the days leading up to ovulation, I scheduled two massages.  The relaxation, calm, and focus that I found alerted me that I had forgotten to take care of my own spirit.  I have been so worried about creating the little spirit that would be our first child that I forgot about myself.  I have since had two more massages, and find this two week wait to still be exciting and difficult, but I do not feel the pressure that was always there before the massages.

During the first massage, I confessed to the massage therapist that my husband and I had been trying to conceive for 9 months now and then I started to tear up.  She was so kind and comforting.  She then told me she would pray for me.  Maybe because I was in a vulnerable state, it hit me harder than ever.  What a beautiful thought that someone would talk to God for me.  That blessing provided so much support and love that I felt better before the relaxing massage even began.

Another blogger has said she will pray for me too.  Thank you for those prayers.  They provide so much relief during a time that can easily be filled with shame, disappointment, and uncertainty.

I hope those reading this know that I pray for each of you and ask God that he give you the courage to continue on your journey, the grace to hold your head up and deal with announcements of pregnancy joy, and I ask him to bless each of you that you may be pregnant soon and move on to the next chapter in your lives; full of happiness and family.

This sounds like I'm toasting the mothers-to-be that I have grown to care for and pray for often.  So today I'll sign off with a Cheers!

Jealousy...

Best friend is pregnant.  One of the only two who know we have been trying is pregnant.  She was so scared to tell me and of course that made me feel awful, but at the same time I didn't feel I had to put on a pretend happy face and squeal.  I told her I was truly happy for her.  It's what she has been wanting and I prayed she would receive her wish.

Trying not to be jealous here, but to think positive instead...wouldn't it be amazing if I were pregnant this time around too? We could go through pregnancy together; laughing at the uncontrollable farting and sharing groans and moans for the discomfort.  I think it is ok to ask for prayers, so if anyone prays out there, please say a prayer for me.

Thanks for listening

It's a boy!

My sister and brother-in-law just called.  They are having a boy.  The first boy in our family.  Now I've gotta have twins to make any kind of impression. (jk)

Just talked with Dad.  The first thing out of his mouth was "another first".  All I heard was "another first that you didn't do...good luck"!  I know that's negative, but that's where I'm at.

On the positive side, I did not feel jealousy when she told me.  I felt joy and excitement for them both.  After having built a home at the beginning of this year, the Midwest floods have made it impossible to get to their new home. So, this is great news during what could be an extremely stressful time.  They are truly blessed to be having a healthy boy and I believe that is what I heard when listening to them tell me the big news.  Thank you God for their healthy baby boy and my future nephew.  I'm the first to be an aunt two times.  There's my first. There it is.

Ok...waiting on ovulation and getting out of town this weekend to relax. Scheduled a massage for Monday to continue the relaxation.  Crossing fingers that this will be our month...fingers are starting to look a little weathered from all the crossing, but they are hanging in there and so am I.

Update...

I'm lucky to have a friend like you!

Blessed with a blogging buddy who has missed my presence here in blogger land (thank you friend), I am reminded I need to post an update!  I'm completely fine, just lead a boring life and did not feel I had anything of interest to contribute lately. It's time to dust off the blog and get everyone caught up.  Here we go...randomly:

Husband was on call through the month of July, so we didn't get to go anywhere but as I previously mentioned, my family was in town so we spent a week visiting.  My niece was baptized and I can now add godmother to my list of life accomplishments (yay!).  The day was absolutely beautiful and Niece fell asleep moments before the ceremony, so that was a blessing too.  Thank you God for that special moment.  I feel so blessed to have that little girl in my life. Please let me be a good role model and someone she feels she can turn to when she needs anything.

Saw the last Harry Potter.  I won't say much other than I highly recommend you see it in the theater both for effect and come on...it's the last one!  It's worth the extra $5 or $7 to see it on the big screen.   :)

I am a HUGE movie watcher...and well, pathetically a t.v. junkie too. This one is two part:

1. Have been on a mission to see all of the Tyler Perry movies. I just love them.  They are like a really good Lifetime movie but much, much funnier. 
2. I'm worried the phrase "idiot box" is applying to me.  Since beginning our TTC, I find I retreat into t.v. and movies more than ever to avoid thinking about what I don't have.  My mind is mush.  Need to find a different hobby and fast. 

Last weekend, we attended a convention for Husband's favorite activity...hunting.  The smile on his face was what I imagine he looked like on Christmas morning as a child.  He was in heaven and it was so fun for me to see him so happy and excited.  

This weekend Husband has switched his work schedule so we can get away for a night.  The one time we were pregnant was right after returning from vacation.  While we can't take 4 days again this time, I'm hoping that 1 or 2 days will help me to relax.  I'm thinking of scheduling two massages over the next 4 weeks to see if that will help me stay in a relaxed state.  

Someday...

Pregnant sister's brother and sister-in-law had their first child.  A little baby girl.  Sister sent me phone pics of the new baby - she is gorgeous.  Her text messages exuded excitement and pride, and I couldn't help but think of the thoughts she must be having about her own little one on the way this December.  I cannot wait until I too cannot help but think those same thoughts about my own little bundle when our time comes.  *dreamy sigh*

I've ordered (and should receive tomorrow) a book by the same doctor that Giuliana and Bill Rancic visit on their show.  They have been dealing with infertility openly on their show and I find great comfort in Giuliana's amazing attitude about the whole process. The book is called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility by David and Blakeway.  It sounds like it will be a natural, no-nonsense approach to baby making.  Even though I have read the Rancics are moving on to another round of in vitro, I'll let you know what I think and time will tell if what we tried works.

Last random thought:  During the last episode of Giuliana and Bill, Guiliana was at her sister's house helping her prepare for CHILD #4 (a challenge to be positive and excited about to an infertile anyway).  Her sister, family, and friends were all there helping and chatting about pregnancy while sorting through baby clothes.  I about died when Giuliana's young niece asked her if she was jealous of the other ladies who were getting pregnant while she wasn't!! The niece had no idea of the gravity of her question, but Giuliana answered with grace.  My eyes were full of tears for Giuliana, yet her strength gives me strength much like all of you out there in blogger land.  

Ok...that's it.  Now you are all caught up and can probably see why I have not posted recently as my life is pretty boring...work, eat, sleep, and sometimes play.  :)  Hope you have a great week!

Answer Brand OPKs

For those of you that OPK, I want to share my experience with Answer's OPKs.  I have been using First Response (FR) 7 day OPKs loyally.  The results coincide with my temperature shifts and therefore, I feel confident about the accuracy of the OPK.  Because we are keeping our TTC a secret, I decided to purchase the OPKs and a box of pregnancy tests the last time we were out of town...it's just easier.  Of course this WalMart did not carry FR OPKs!  I couldn't believe it.  FR is such a popular and well-known brand!  Anyway, I looked through the different brands, deciding against Clear Blue because I did not have luck with their pregnancy tests and chose Answer brand because it looked exactly like FR...maybe this was the generic version.  Arrived home and found that they are exactly like FR except they do not have caps for the pee side of the stick...gross.

1. First test came back positive or maybe it was negative (it was really close).  I changed it to negative a few days later when I saw the other tests were giving a stronger positive.   
2. Second test came back positive.  
3. Third test came back positive.  (The Internet experts on baby making suggest that you stop taking OPK tests once you receive a positive, but I like to make sure we did the deed throughout the possible window of fertility.)  
4. Fourth test came back SUPER positive. 
5. Today, I took the fifth test and it came back like the first...too close to call, so I'm calling it negative because the days prior to this one were a much stronger result.  

Since this is the first cycle after the failed pregnancy, I'm ready for my body to be off.  After some research on the Internet again, I'm learning that some OPK tests are more sensitive than others; Answer being one of the most sensitive and FR being one of the least.  It seems that FR picks up on my LH surge on the highest days but Answer picks up on it on all of the days with higher LH levels...even slightly higher, but not surging.  I also learned that there are times when the egg doesn't quite let go and therefore the LH surge may stick around until that egg comes out of the tube.  (Again, this is all from the Internet and I try to search the reputable sources, but there's always a possibility they are incorrect.)  So you can see why I might be nervous about whether or not we have baby danced during the fertile window.  Husband and I have already set a new dancing record.  It's hard not to take it personally when he's not up for it again, but I'm sure he's tired and it's frustrating for him to deal with how long it takes me to get going after days and days of dancing.  My mind is not in a romantic place right now - it's in the "I want to be pregnant and move on to the next phase of our lives" mode.  (Sorry if TMI - hoping my story helps someone else.)

Anyway - I believe I ovulated on the 18th.  I lost the first pregnancy on what would have been 21 DPO, so I am waiting until 24 DPO before testing this time.  I also read that testing after the first day of a missed period can show a chemical pregnancy that is gone a week later, so they recommend waiting a week until testing.  Nice.

Anyway - I hope that this round works as always and I hope this little bit of information will help someone else who is charting!

Here we are waiting again...

Cycle day 21...first cycle after the failed pregnancy.  The doctor said they wouldn't even call it a miscarriage because it was so early.  I call it painful and I'm finding my feelings are swaying back and forth between fear and total calm.

One minute I'm feeling calm and I attribute that to the fact that I know I CAN get pregnant.  I just want to be pregnant now.  I know many women don't even know if they can get pregnant, so I should count my blessings.

On the other hand, if this cycle works, when can we celebrate?

Also, family is in town.  First golden grandchild and wonderful pregnant sister who shared her prediction that I would be the last to have children are here in all their glory and keep calling wanting me to come out to Mom's.  No.  I am in the midst of waiting on implantation and I need to be happy and calm.  I will see them tomorrow and Saturday for the baby's baptism.  I am the godmother and will be there to love and support my little god-daughter.  But, right now, I need time for me.  Sorry girls.

I'm proud of myself because normally I give in and do what is best for everyone else.  I'm learning it's ok to be selfish at times and I need to take care of myself if I want to start a family of our own.  It's not like we can pick up and try again next week.  We have to wait another grueling month.

Ok...those are my Thursday thoughts.  Hope all of you are happier and taking time for yourselves too.

I've never been so glad to be normal...

I knew the doctor would call after I posted and gave in and had a bowl of sugary cereal (a very small bowl).  Sugar levels came back normal!  Thank you God!  I have never...ever...been so happy to be normal.  :)  Still going to watch my sugars and carbs...just in case.

Game on...

Well, the doctor's office never called with my results.  I am following the no news is good news philosophy.  Husband wants me to call and confirm that all is normal, but I'm not making that call.  I told him to make that call.  I'm fine.  I know I am.  (I've started watching my sugars and carb intake just to be healthier.  I'm taking this as a wake up call.)

Soooo, back to waiting for ovulation and charting my heart out.  I have to confess, I love OPK time.  Looking forward to peeing on a stick this afternoon and watching for the little pink line that shows up every month to let me know it's time to get it on!  Based on my previous info, I should O over the weekend. Mom and I are having a garage sale, so my mind will be focused on other things - hoping that keeps my stress levels down.  Just the thought of getting rid of all our junk makes me feel amazing!  :)

Hope everyone that is reading this is having a great Tuesday!

Praying for a Second Chance

Just got back from my 2 hour glucose test.  The nurse said the results won't be in until late tomorrow or Thursday.  I feel kind of numb waiting for this answer.  Horrible thoughts about diabetes and life and diabetes and pregnancy keep entering my mind and I am pushing them out with everything I have.  I am not diabetic.  I'm not.  I know I am not.  Thyroid issues...ok.  Diabetes...no.

Please if you read this, pray for me that the results will be in the normal category and we can move on to pregnancy thoughts once more.  I will pray for you and all you are going through as well.

Here's a good one...

Just went to lunch with Husband.  Here's the conversation we had with our chatty (but nice) waitress:

"Oh you are so clever!"
(Microsoft ClipArt)

Waitress: I'm so ready for the 4th.

Us:  Yeah, we are too. Ready for a 3 day weekend.

Waitress:  Do you guys have kids?

Us:  No

Waitress:  It's so much more fun when you have kids.  (laugh)

Us:  (smile and nod)

Waitress:  You two should get to making babies.  (laugh)

Really!?  NOW have I hit my 3rd strike?

Follow-Up Visit and Friday

Today is my follow-up visit to make sure the pregnancy is ending.  I understand wanting to cover all the bases, but I don't want the follow-up phone call confirming what I already know.  I'm back at work today and I don't know how I will react.

On top of all of this, my blood work from the first visit also showed abnormal sugar levels, so they have asked that I take the glucose test that you always hear about pregnant women taking to check for gestational diabetes.  Diabetes.  That's such a scary word.  Bad behavior has run rampant in my daily schedule.  There has been no exercise for fear of screwing up my chances of an egg sticking and I have been consoling myself with donuts and whatever else my little taste buds desire.

Over a year ago, I lost 40 pounds with Weight Watchers and exercise, so I know how to stay in shape.  Even though I hadn't gained any weight, I have definitely become soft since we started TTC and need to get back into a routine...baby-making or not.  

They say bad news happens in 3's.  Have I hit my third strike yet??
 

I was pregnant...

Tuesday, June 21st, the first day of summer and I'm pregnant!  I took a pregnancy test every day for 5 days to make sure it was still there and to convince myself that this was real.  I was so happy.

Friday, June 24th, ObGyn visit for lab work to check thyroid specifically and pregnancy hormone levels.

Monday, June 25th, ObGyn calls and thyroid levels are NORMAL but at the beginning of 6 weeks, HcG level was only 45??

Tuesday, June 28th, I lost my pregnancy.  I called the Dr.'s office and the most kind nurse took the time to listen and explain everything that was happening and what to expect over the next few days.  I was early enough in the pregnancy that we can begin trying again next month...so there's the silver lining.

Husband is not here.  Work has pulled him away.  I want so badly to call my mother, but I do not trust her to keep this quiet and I need for this to be kept quiet.  I've taken the day off to sleep and just be.  I'm watching the most un-baby thing I can find - Tru Blood.  It's helping to keep me numb.  Hoping to take a nap soon.

CD 1...again

Therapy Post...

Just hung up with Mom.  She needed my help downloading an image I sent her of my niece and her father (BIL).  I love to help, so that's not why I need the therapy.  The squeal she made when the picture finally showed up on her end is why I need a therapy post.  It broke my heart...again.  Each squeal, tear, and moment of firsts is a reminder that I failed to give her the first grandchild.  I'm watching my sister give my parents such joy.

Praying...

Ok...a moment of sadness.  Now, let's return to positive thoughts about all of the moment of firsts that will make you squeal and tear-up.  Only 3 more mornings to go until the recommended test day.  If anyone is reading this, please say a prayer for us.

Just stop thinking about it...

Shhh...

I wonder if I ever said this to someone who told me they were trying to get pregnant.  I know from other experiences that I have said stupid things in the past when I should have just listened, but I only know this now because I have experienced the issue that I ignorantly commented on.  I've heard this three times now - once from each of the three people I've told.  *sigh*  I'll be keeping the rest of the world in the dark until there is something to celebrate.

Thank you God for my loving friends who truly care about what I'm going through...even if they don't know the right words to say.

Waiting On Tuesday...

I'm halfway through the 2WW for Cycle Siete (7).  FertilityFriend says "test day" is Tuesday.  I'm staying extremely positive this month.  I won't let myself go there...I just won't...not this time.  Tuesday can't get here fast enough and at the same time, I know I'm terrified of that day.  I have a friend I've confided in about our journey and she has been SUCH a good listener and a truly AMAZING friend.  I chose the right one. :)  Thank you God for sending her to me again!

Celebrating Father's Day tonight with my dad, maybe seeing indie film at new place in town tomorrow night, and other Father's Day/family activities this weekend.  This should help keep me calm and happy through the weekend and my mind on other things.

Hope you are all happy and calm today...if not, find a favorite song, turn it up (I like headphones so I catch everything about the song) and dance until you feel happy again. :)  Here are two of my favs right now...maybe one will work for you too:

Song #1: Wynonna Judd - Burnin' Love
There's something about a powerful female voice that pulls me out of my funk...and I loves me some guitar, rockin' drums, and a soulful song 

 

Song #2: Lady Gaga - Born This Way

I'm usually feeling pretty fierce by the end of this song and pumped for anything

Surging Positively...

Summer Colors

Husband and I just returned from four days of blissful relaxation.  We went shopping, slept in, went to a movie, played mini-golf, swam and just enjoyed spending time together.  After soaking up the rays poolside, we have returned to the "real world".  Have you ever heard someone say that life begins after 5?  I feel like we left the full-time real world and returned to the real-world after 5.  I am SOOO good at full-time real world, and I cannot wait to go back.

The first positive OPK of this cycle appeared today.  It was a very dark indicator line, so I'm taking that as a positive you'd better get on the baby dancing wagon girl!  This is my favorite time of the cycle.  I am so calm and happy.  Hope everyone is having a good day and enjoying the summer weather.

SIDE NOTE:  To those who allow public following of their blogs...you were chosen to follow because someone valued your story.  Please have the same respect for those people when you decide that you would rather become a private blog and do not just shut us all out.  It's rude and I feel as though my support for your experiences was not appreciated.  There...I feel better.  :)

Happy Hump Day to All...even private bloggers.

Hello June...

Every so often I need a change. I usually satisfy this need with a change in scenery, hence the new blog design. A change in color or layout around me really awakens my senses and re-energizes my spirit.

Microsoft Clipart

Today is CD12 and I am "now awaiting ovulation" as FertilityFriend so eloquently puts it.  Oh FertilityFriend...you are like that friend that I look forward to seeing everyday, but then feel anxious and a little let down after our visit.  My goal this cycle is to enter my data early in the morning and then get out...not to return for at least 24 hours.  It's funny how I log in multiple times a day just to look at my chart, like if I log in enough times, the data is going to change or reveal some hidden information.

I've started exercising again.  Since starting our journey, I've "taken it easy" and avoided too much exercise.  This has not helped because I'm still not pregnant, so I'm trying to incorporate exercise for my physical and emotional well being.  I've not gained any weight, but I've definitely gone soft.  :\  Yuck and not helpful when convincing Husband to BD for the 100th time.

Sending positive thoughts and love to all of my blogging friends.  (I'm dropping the "until next time" bit.  I'm over it.)

Cycle 7 Begins...

So here I am, 3 days into Cycle 7. I cannot believe we are starting our 7th month! That's insane. What happened to all the warnings about protection and "it only takes once"?

Work has been crazy this week as we prepare for an annual celebration. It's been good for me though because my days go fast and I fall asleep quickly at night. If only this had happened two weeks ago when I needed filler. :)

Husband and I are planning a getaway in a couple of weeks. I thought it was going to coincide with the big O, but it looks like that will happen when we return. Oh well, that leaves the BDing for fun only! I need it - I think we both do.

I've decided that since we have been charting and only know that we got our timing right for sure last cycle, that we would make sure we got it right for one more cycle before seeking medical help. I don't want to hear that more data is needed. Once I work up the courage to ask for help, I am going to need the doctor to step in at that time and start helping. :)

I hope all of you out there have plans for Memorial Day weekend and are looking forward to the time off as much as I am.

Until next time...

Grieving

I'm pretty sure AF is just around the corner. I spent last night sad. Now, I am just angry.

Stressed Out

My stress levels are getting out of hand. I can't sleep, yet I'm so tired. When I do manage to fall asleep, it's for about an hour at a time. My energy level is at an all time high and I feel like I could run a marathon, but I wouldn't because it could ruin everything we've "worked" for this month.

I'm not good at waiting...the 2WW bullshit is a nightmare. I just need to keep busy doing any and everything I can. Don't stop to watch t.v., don't give in and eat cake thinking it will solve anything, and don't think about whether or not you are pregnant as much as possible. Please pray for me that I can find calm and focus so I don't harm this process.

Sorry for such a negative post, but that's how I am feeling.

Until next time...

There's Always Something

iprole

Ovulation Pain?

Check!
Positive OPK?
Check!
The other disgusting signs that I have been watching for?
Check!
So much BD I have to beg Husband for more?
Check!  

Everything is on track and of course WHAM!  Husband is sick with stomach bug.  Last month I went to help my sister during ovulation and could at least justify that I was helping and putting someone else ahead of our needs. This time however, I'm going to have to get creative and try to convince Husband that the cure for the stomach issue is all up in here.  I'm sorry - it's just too much work to wait another month.  I have to give it all I've got.

It's 4:45 and my brain has officially checked out. In honor of Roger Hargreaves' 76th birthday, I am being "Little Miss Naughty" at work and catching up on the latest SNL for the last half hour of the work day. The host, Tina Fey, is running down the stage to present her monologue - Oh she is funny. :) Now here's a shocker - she turns to face the crowd and WHAM! I'm staring at her belly bump. To borrow from a favorite blogger...I've got Bump Envy! It's everywhere - even the places I go to try to escape from thinking of pregnancy have bellies and babies.  

Please God...let this be our month.  

Until next time...

Waiting on O

So FertilityFriend predicted I would ovulate today and yet OPKfriend says differently.  I'm feeling what I believe is ovulation pain, but temps are still low.  Why do I even mention this?  Because I've ready too many forum postings and the thought of not ovulating is on my mind...even though I have been regular my whole life.  I need to chill.  

I'm spending Saturday with my mother and my pregnant sister.  While picking out a Mother's Day card, I came across a mommy-to-be card that includes a really cute mommy-to-be button (which I bought for my sister).  I wish I were pregnant too so I could wear a mommy-to-be button and celebrate this holiday with them instead of what I will be...the pathetic oldest girl with no baby.  There will be awkward looks and comments about how they know I could be a mother too.  *barf*  Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to celebrate both of them, but I am beyond ready for my day.   

Bubble Belly

Remind me I said that when I do have kids and I'm wishing for time away from them!

Until next time...

The Nerves Have Returned

Cycle 6 ovulation is quickly approaching so Husband and I began our week of fun! As I was trying to fall asleep last night, my nerves and anxiety set in again. Normally, this anxiety waits until after ovulation, but this time it appeared on day one of baby planning. A scary thought entered my mind as I was questioning this early anxiety...is this fear?

Is this my mind telling me that I don't want children?

*pause for reaction*

I know I want children, so this is not the case. However, I think maybe I am fearful of losing the quiet evenings with my husband and the freedom to live our lives as we wish - on our own schedule. I love our relationship and hope that we can maintain our closeness and still look to each other for support and love. But does this idea warrant what feels like irrational anxiety? My rational thoughts try to convince me that it is the obvious fear that once again we will fail to hit our home run.

The part that really drives me crazy, more-so than the thoughts racing through my mind, is the physical sign of worrying. Each month, around this time, I begin to feel pressure within my abdomen/uterus area like I'm contracting my muscles. I assume this is tension that is causing these muscles to tense, in the same way some people carry tension in their shoulders or back. My fear is that this tensing could be making ttc a challenge.

What physical signs, if any, are you experiencing while waiting for ovulation and then the 2WW?  Have you ever found you are carrying the tension in the same way I am?

Until next time...

What a Friday...

My original plans were to stay up and watch the Royal Wedding as it unfolded, but when I was still awake at 12:30, the thought of getting up again at 3:00 finally sounded crazy to me.  So, I reset my alarm to the normal 6:30 and went to sleep.  I have horrible allergies and once in a great while, sinus issues wake me from sleep.  Would you believe that happened last night?  I rolled over to look at the time and guess what...it was 3:00 AM!  I laughed and took it as a sign that I should go check out the festivities.  

After learning that Kate wouldn't be arriving for another hour, I turned off BBC America (love that channel) and headed back to bed. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I was miserable, so I took a few morning medical hours and went back to sleep.  

I was back up at 11:00 and getting ready when I turned on BBC again to see the Queen arriving.  Perfect!  Kate will be next!  What luck!  So I finished getting ready while dancing around the room feeling the royal vibe.

Since I was arriving late to work, I thought I would stop and grab Jimmy John's to eat at my desk.  As I'm backing out at Jimmy John's, someone else begins backing out quickly and backs into the side of my vehicle!  Fortunately, (and amazingly) my vehicle has a plastic body and even though it sounded like *crunch*, there were only a couple of scratches!  The other driver and I were shaking and shocked that there was such minimal damage after the sound we heard the cars make!  We decided to call it good and left.  

I've finally made it to my desk and I'm still reeling from the adrenaline rush.  I think I finished my Jimmy John's sandwich in just under 3 minutes.  I share an office with 3 other people and they are all out today, so I am thoroughly happy that I have my own space to freak out in.  :)

Hope you are all having exciting Fridays too - hopefully getting your adrenaline rush from a chosen form of activity.  

Until next time...

"Pre-baby Cleanse"

"Pre-baby Cleanse" was referenced in a sitcom this past week and it made me laugh.  Cleanse referring to removing all toxic substances from your diet and daily routines.  I participated happily in this "pre-baby cleanse" for five hopeful and exciting cycles.  During Cycle 6 however, I have regressed back to my old ways.  Diet sodas, extra sweets, alcohol, and no sleep are all rearing their ugly heads.  I am excelling at holding down the couch and the treadmill has once again become my catch-all.  The good news is that my conscious is in talks with my sub-conscious to reawaken my motivation and desire to be healthy in general.  My subconscious argues these things make me happy and keep me stress free so I may be more likely to stay relaxed during those lovely two weeks of waiting.  My conscious rebuts with these are signs of stress, so I may need to reexamine my argument.  

Cross your fingers that all goes well in the coming days as ovulation is on the horizon and I need to get my butt in gear!

Until next time...

Ladies Night!

Last night I spent the evening with three ladies - one tried and true old friend and two new friends. We laughed, we shared...we drank. :) It was just what I needed! This morning I awoke feeling refreshed and happy and kept the energy going with some Pink, Lady Gaga, and Black Eyed Peas - "One Tribe Y'all".

As I get older, it's harder and harder to find real friends. It's easy to find the occasional lunch or superficial "catch-up" type of friend, but the true-blue, really-there-to-care friends are harder to find. I love spending time with Husband, and I have chosen to skip many events to spend time at home with him. Even though I missed him, I'm really glad that I chose to attend this dinner and will try to make more time for girlfriends now that I see how much it lifted my spirit. I have to believe I'll find the tried and true types someday, but only if I take the time to meet new people.

I wish for all of you to take the time to seek out those that lift your spirits, laugh, and have that extra glass of wine!

Until next time...

Wham!

So I've had it. I'm turning into a jealous, crazy, competitive beast. My mind is racing with ideas about how to conduct my life without thinking about baby-making or baby-anything. Today is CD1...again.

Last night, my other sister called to say she is 5 weeks pregnant. Now I am officially the last sister (also the oldest in the family) to get pregnant - if God should allow me this blessing. I kept my composure as she shared her good news. This was her moment and I wanted it to be celebrated. She deserves all the happiness in the world and I am so thankful that she and her husband are not experiencing the pain and frustration that we are.
Once the call ended, I came unglued. I'm someone who needs to share my life and my thoughts - an open book - and I have been really proud of myself for keeping our journey quiet, but news like that is just too much for me to hold inside.

Husband tried to immediately comfort me, but I couldn't stand to be hugged. Looking back, my leaving for another room was probably best for both of us. So many thoughts were racing through my mind...

"why couldn't this have been me?",

"you are acting like a child",

"when is it my turn?"

My temper-tantrum, or nervous breakdown as we grownups call it, helped me to see what I am really upset about...I need something of my own. Husband has hunting and fishing. I sleep and visit with family and friends, but have nothing to really share about what is going on in my life. I need something to share and be proud of...something to immerse myself in. SOOOO...my goal is to begin something creative. I need to start trying new things to find something that I truly enjoy and can make my own even after our baby arrives.

I will keep you all posted as I begin trying new creative ventures. Pray for me that it takes the edge off of the whole I'm not pregnant pains and helps me fulfill something in me that I have been missing for a long time.

Until next time...

Therapy

After much searching, I found a basal body thermometer or BBT only to find (after returning home) that it is the exact same thermometer I already owned. Ok...so I have two, one for backup (positive thinker). I wake up every morning at 6:30 to take and record my temperature. I have only been charting for one cycle, but it feels like a year. This is probably due to my insane obsession with seeing my chart grow and searching for charts "just like mine" that resulted in pregnancy. If it happened for one it could happen for me, right?

This blog is supposed to be therapeutic for me, so I'm going to delve into the serious stuff so I can get it out first and then move on to more positive thinking. I am easily angered or saddened by this process. Beyond the first 2 months of trying, there is nothing romantic or fun about waiting on a baby. In an effort to minimize my stress, I am boycotting any baby sites, baby stores, baby movies, baby books...etc. More and more, my thoughts wander to the negative side of introducing a new baby to our family - no sleep, not being able to figure out why the baby is upset, the teenage years... I think my mind is trying to protect my heart from the disappointment that happens each month. To make matters worse, we have decided to keep the fact that we are TTC a secret. I broke down and shared with one person, but that person responded with the dreaded "quit worrying and it will happen". This coming from a woman who was surprised by her pregnancy and has no idea what it is to wait and want. Note to self: Be prepared for verbal blows before sharing again.

My mother never talks to me about children - I can tell it makes her uncomfortable because she feels, after 6+ years with no grandchildren, that we have decided not to have children. She'll make little comments like "Your father and I have been ready for a long time" and "You know your sister had to learn how to be a mother" (in case fear of failure was keeping us from having children). She has been in a constant state of despair as her youngest child and mother to their only grandchild is 500 miles away. I feel like such a failure as the oldest child (more on this topic later). I want to open up to her, but she has a hard time keeping things to herself, and I don't think it would help if she were constantly checking in to see if we were successful or "had hit a home run" as my husband and I call it. I have a truly wonderful mother and she would be heart-broken to hear me say that I was afraid to share, but I feel at this time, I have to protect myself first.

My husband is getting better at listening. Due to traveling, we missed the best opportunity to "hit a home run" and it has left me feeling down and angry. Last night, he let me cry and hugged me. It was exactly what I needed him to do. We are ready for some happy news! Anything happy at all!

Until next time...

Here we go...

Hi everyone.  My name is Mrs. C.  This blog is about our journey trying to conceive our first child.  My husband and I have been happily married for 6 years.  I truly found my best friend.  The person who loves me for me.  We have a running joke that "I'm not sick of you yet".  :)  We both come from loving families and I have been dreaming of starting our own for years now.  He finally got on board in November and we have been trying ever since.  

I'm 32 years old and never thought getting pregnant would be an issue for me/us...never.  These past 5 months have been exciting and trying.  I worry that my constant excitement, hopefulness, and dreaming are slowing down the process.  I want this so badly and find that I am having a difficult time dealing with the lack of control.  My hope, like many bloggers before me, is to alleviate some stress by sharing some of my concerns or thoughts in an anonymous format.  I look forward to sharing my story and meeting and learning others who share similar experiences.  

Until next time...