Friday, April 15, 2011


So I've had it. I'm turning into a jealous, crazy, competitive beast. My mind is racing with ideas about how to conduct my life without thinking about baby-making or baby-anything. Today is CD1...again.
Last night, my other sister called to say she is 5 weeks pregnant. Now I am officially the last sister (also the oldest in the family) to get pregnant - if God should allow me this blessing. I kept my composure as she shared her good news. This was her moment and I wanted it to be celebrated. She deserves all the happiness in the world and I am so thankful that she and her husband are not experiencing the pain and frustration that we are.
Once the call ended, I came unglued. I'm someone who needs to share my life and my thoughts - an open book - and I have been really proud of myself for keeping our journey quiet, but news like that is just too much for me to hold inside.
Husband tried to immediately comfort me, but I couldn't stand to be hugged. Looking back, my leaving for another room was probably best for both of us. So many thoughts were racing through my mind...
"why couldn't this have been me?",

"you are acting like a child",

"when is it my turn?"
My temper-tantrum, or nervous breakdown as we grownups call it, helped me to see what I am really upset about...I need something of my own. Husband has hunting and fishing. I sleep and visit with family and friends, but have nothing to really share about what is going on in my life. I need something to share and be proud of...something to immerse myself in. goal is to begin something creative. I need to start trying new things to find something that I truly enjoy and can make my own even after our baby arrives.
I will keep you all posted as I begin trying new creative ventures. Pray for me that it takes the edge off of the whole I'm not pregnant pains and helps me fulfill something in me that I have been missing for a long time.
Until next time...


  1. I'm so glad you started a blog for this. You will be amazed at how much better it feels after you can write something down and get it off of your chest. I believe we are almost cycle buddies. I am supposed to get AF any time now. I am not charting only because I know it will push me over the edge. DH and I just BD EOD from CD8 to CD20. That should cover thngs.

    Good luck with your journey. Mabye we will get lucky and get KTFU together too. I hope it is soon for you.

  2. Thanks Breakfast! Just knowing you are "hearing" me helps tremendously! I'm praying that you receive good news soon too. :)