After much searching, I found a basal body thermometer or BBT only to find (after returning home) that it is the exact same thermometer I already owned. Ok...so I have two, one for backup (positive thinker). I wake up every morning at 6:30 to take and record my temperature. I have only been charting for one cycle, but it feels like a year. This is probably due to my insane obsession with seeing my chart grow and searching for charts "just like mine" that resulted in pregnancy. If it happened for one it could happen for me, right?
This blog is supposed to be therapeutic for me, so I'm going to delve into the serious stuff so I can get it out first and then move on to more positive thinking. I am easily angered or saddened by this process. Beyond the first 2 months of trying, there is nothing romantic or fun about waiting on a baby. In an effort to minimize my stress, I am boycotting any baby sites, baby stores, baby movies, baby books...etc. More and more, my thoughts wander to the negative side of introducing a new baby to our family - no sleep, not being able to figure out why the baby is upset, the teenage years... I think my mind is trying to protect my heart from the disappointment that happens each month. To make matters worse, we have decided to keep the fact that we are TTC a secret. I broke down and shared with one person, but that person responded with the dreaded "quit worrying and it will happen". This coming from a woman who was surprised by her pregnancy and has no idea what it is to wait and want. Note to self: Be prepared for verbal blows before sharing again.
My mother never talks to me about children - I can tell it makes her uncomfortable because she feels, after 6+ years with no grandchildren, that we have decided not to have children. She'll make little comments like "Your father and I have been ready for a long time" and "You know your sister had to learn how to be a mother" (in case fear of failure was keeping us from having children). She has been in a constant state of despair as her youngest child and mother to their only grandchild is 500 miles away. I feel like such a failure as the oldest child (more on this topic later). I want to open up to her, but she has a hard time keeping things to herself, and I don't think it would help if she were constantly checking in to see if we were successful or "had hit a home run" as my husband and I call it. I have a truly wonderful mother and she would be heart-broken to hear me say that I was afraid to share, but I feel at this time, I have to protect myself first.
My husband is getting better at listening. Due to traveling, we missed the best opportunity to "hit a home run" and it has left me feeling down and angry. Last night, he let me cry and hugged me. It was exactly what I needed him to do. We are ready for some happy news! Anything happy at all!
Until next time...