Friday, September 30, 2011

Feeling Low...Gonna Rant...

Since my last posting, I've finally started the whole "why am I an infertile" process.  Had my first and only meeting with the actual doctor on September 7th.  Results of that meeting/checkup revealed a bacterial infection that after reading up on it I am SOOO happy she diagnosed and treated.  Hoping it hasn't been around long enough to do any real damage to my system.

Husband provided sample for SA.  His numbers came back so low that the nurses were leading me to believe the doctor only saw IVF with ICSI as our only option.  Here's a tidbit to share with your men...make sure they get ALL of the sample in the container before turning it into the lab.  Husband missed a bit and well, that bit really counted because a second SA revealed ALL numbers in the normal range!!!

You can imagine how stressed I have been this month.  Before we received the results of the second SA, Husband and I talked about our options should IVF and ICSI be our only choice and he informed me that at this time he wasn't on board for any of that.  My heart broke.  I thank God every day that his numbers came back normal the second time around.  Thank you God! Thank you!

I attribute my later than normal late ovulation to this insane amount of stress.  I'm a late ovulator anyway, ovulating anywhere from day 18 to day 22.  However, this month I ovulated on day 23.  The one time I was pregnant, it was on day 18.  I know in my gut that my eggs aren't as good by the time I am ovulating and/or my progesterone is crap because the little follicle took too long to let it all go (I'm not a doctor...just a gut feeling).

On top of all of that, I have to call and call to remind them to contact me again.  It sounds like my doctor has SO much going on that infertiles have to take not necessarily the back seat, but maybe the middle row to those who are pregnant.  I mean I get that...I'm realistic...but please don't say you will call back and then wait for me to call two days later.  Please!  I would be happy with an update call just to touch base and ease my nerves.

On Monday, I had my blood drawn to check for progesterone.  This test is normally performed on day 5 or 7 after ovulating I believe. Due to this crazy knowledge gathering month, I was only on 1DPO.  On one day after ovulating, my levels were at 2.5.  The nurse assured me this was good as anything above .8 was normal for that time.  She also kept reminding me that I had ovulated.  I KNOW I OVULATED!  I'm a regular ovulator!  This is another sign that this office is so overwhelmed that they are treating all patients the same.  Not everyone has the same story.  I'm not blond, blue-eyed, or a 28 day cycler!  Come on!

The nurse keeps apologizing to me because she was supposed to get us an appointment (at the doctor's request) to meet with the doctor together to discuss possible reasons why Husband's SA results could have been so drastically different.  She also wanted to wait until my progesterone results were back.  I have been talking to the nurse since Monday and she was unable to catch up with the doctor until today and the doctor could not work me in due to emergency surgery with another patient.  I get it.  I do.  Just please call and please stop referring to me as anxious.  I am not anxious.  I am frustrated, mad, sad, angry...but not anxious.  Get it right.  

So the nurse and I have come up with a game plan.  They are going to monitor me for 3 cycles.  I am supposed to call when I either 1.) get my period or 2.) reach day 35 and take a pregnancy test - call either way.  I asked if I could ask for this specific nurse so someone would know my story and remember that I am me and not every other Pregnant Polly.  Fortunately, she said yes (also weird side note:  this girl graduated 1 year behind me in school, so she knows who I am...hoping this is why she is so willing to help).   So now I wait.  I'm on CD5 and while I have tender breasts, I always have tender breasts after ovulation.

Husband and I went to lunch.  I told him what the doctor said and my emotions got the best of me.  His response was to become irritated immediately.  I said sorry, but that is not what I need from you.  I need support.  I'm human...I have feelings...oh and I'm a crier.  He said he wasn't trying to not be supportive, he just hates to see me cry.  He's happy about the news and says it sounds like everything is turning out normal!  I appreciate his try at optimism, but it's not sinking in very well today.

I need a friend.  Best local friend is no longer an option as she is pregnant and I can't bring all of this negativity into her life.  Plus I'm a little pissed that she has not asked me about our journey once since the first time I got the nerve to actually tell her about what is going on.  (On a side note:  Sister hasn't asked me either.  She made reference to "when [we] were trying" as if we ever stopped!)  I need someone who will let me cry, who will let me be the victim one day and the strong supportive friend the next.  Someone who will not reply with don't stress, stay calm, or any other stupid phrase.  I need someone who will not ALWAYS talk about themselves and leave little room for anything but a one-liner from me.  I need someone to love me and allow me to just say what I'm thinking...even if it sounds absolutely awful!  I feel like I am drowning here and I know that these feelings will continue to get in the way of my getting pregnant and starting the one thing I have always wanted...a family. now this blog is up-to-date.  I'm heading out of town with Mother and pregnant Sister for the night and a day of shopping tomorrow.  I know much of this time will revolve around grandchildren and how happy my parents are because of their existence.  God please be with me.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

First Steps...

So I did it.  I called the doctor to schedule a fertility appointment.  I feel excited and relieved to have finally made that call.  I could not fall asleep last night and the later it got, the more awake I became.  Looking back now, I don't think it was anxiety as much as excitement and drive to keep myself pumped to call.  No one wants to make the call that starts the process that could tell them they are not perfect.  BUT, I can no longer take month after month of disappointment with no explanation.  The nurse will be calling me back to schedule a day and time after speaking with the doctor.  I can't wait to hear that day so I can start this process and move forward.  I feel empowered.

Update: 3 Hours Later: The doctor's office called and the first availability if OCTOBER 3rd.  A month from now.  I immediately started to cry and asked the nurse why so long and she said it was her first availability.  She felt awful and tried to look into it.  Since I never actually saw the doctor with my miscarriage, I guess I'm not technically a patient and don't deserve priority until I see her.  Nevermind that I paid her damn office to see ME and that all of my information is in their system.  The nurse said she would look through the schedule and see if there was an earlier opening, but I'm on the books for a month from now.

I am so angry I cried.  I have always been a sensitive, emotional girl, but it seems my emotions are always on the surface, waiting to erupt when I receive bad news about making a baby.  I feel like a failure and I am so disappointed in my body and my emotional state.

Now, I am fighting with myself over what to do with this next month.  I could just forget baby-making and relax this month, possibly wasting this month's baby-making opportunity, or I could continue on with my journey and just focus on baby-making...forgetting about the October 3rd appointment.  If anyone is reading this, what are your thoughts?  What would you do if you were me?  Are you having a hard time controlling the crying fits?  How do you control your emotions?

Thursday, September 1, 2011


On the days leading up to ovulation, I scheduled two massages.  The relaxation, calm, and focus that I found alerted me that I had forgotten to take care of my own spirit.  I have been so worried about creating the little spirit that would be our first child that I forgot about myself.  I have since had two more massages, and find this two week wait to still be exciting and difficult, but I do not feel the pressure that was always there before the massages.

During the first massage, I confessed to the massage therapist that my husband and I had been trying to conceive for 9 months now and then I started to tear up.  She was so kind and comforting.  She then told me she would pray for me.  Maybe because I was in a vulnerable state, it hit me harder than ever.  What a beautiful thought that someone would talk to God for me.  That blessing provided so much support and love that I felt better before the relaxing massage even began.

Another blogger has said she will pray for me too.  Thank you for those prayers.  They provide so much relief during a time that can easily be filled with shame, disappointment, and uncertainty.

I hope those reading this know that I pray for each of you and ask God that he give you the courage to continue on your journey, the grace to hold your head up and deal with announcements of pregnancy joy, and I ask him to bless each of you that you may be pregnant soon and move on to the next chapter in your lives; full of happiness and family.

This sounds like I'm toasting the mothers-to-be that I have grown to care for and pray for often.  So today I'll sign off with a Cheers!