What a Friday...

My original plans were to stay up and watch the Royal Wedding as it unfolded, but when I was still awake at 12:30, the thought of getting up again at 3:00 finally sounded crazy to me.  So, I reset my alarm to the normal 6:30 and went to sleep.  I have horrible allergies and once in a great while, sinus issues wake me from sleep.  Would you believe that happened last night?  I rolled over to look at the time and guess what...it was 3:00 AM!  I laughed and took it as a sign that I should go check out the festivities.  

After learning that Kate wouldn't be arriving for another hour, I turned off BBC America (love that channel) and headed back to bed. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I was miserable, so I took a few morning medical hours and went back to sleep.  

I was back up at 11:00 and getting ready when I turned on BBC again to see the Queen arriving.  Perfect!  Kate will be next!  What luck!  So I finished getting ready while dancing around the room feeling the royal vibe.

Since I was arriving late to work, I thought I would stop and grab Jimmy John's to eat at my desk.  As I'm backing out at Jimmy John's, someone else begins backing out quickly and backs into the side of my vehicle!  Fortunately, (and amazingly) my vehicle has a plastic body and even though it sounded like *crunch*, there were only a couple of scratches!  The other driver and I were shaking and shocked that there was such minimal damage after the sound we heard the cars make!  We decided to call it good and left.  

I've finally made it to my desk and I'm still reeling from the adrenaline rush.  I think I finished my Jimmy John's sandwich in just under 3 minutes.  I share an office with 3 other people and they are all out today, so I am thoroughly happy that I have my own space to freak out in.  :)

Hope you are all having exciting Fridays too - hopefully getting your adrenaline rush from a chosen form of activity.  

Until next time...

"Pre-baby Cleanse"

"Pre-baby Cleanse" was referenced in a sitcom this past week and it made me laugh.  Cleanse referring to removing all toxic substances from your diet and daily routines.  I participated happily in this "pre-baby cleanse" for five hopeful and exciting cycles.  During Cycle 6 however, I have regressed back to my old ways.  Diet sodas, extra sweets, alcohol, and no sleep are all rearing their ugly heads.  I am excelling at holding down the couch and the treadmill has once again become my catch-all.  The good news is that my conscious is in talks with my sub-conscious to reawaken my motivation and desire to be healthy in general.  My subconscious argues these things make me happy and keep me stress free so I may be more likely to stay relaxed during those lovely two weeks of waiting.  My conscious rebuts with these are signs of stress, so I may need to reexamine my argument.  

Cross your fingers that all goes well in the coming days as ovulation is on the horizon and I need to get my butt in gear!

Until next time...

Ladies Night!

Last night I spent the evening with three ladies - one tried and true old friend and two new friends. We laughed, we shared...we drank. :) It was just what I needed! This morning I awoke feeling refreshed and happy and kept the energy going with some Pink, Lady Gaga, and Black Eyed Peas - "One Tribe Y'all".

As I get older, it's harder and harder to find real friends. It's easy to find the occasional lunch or superficial "catch-up" type of friend, but the true-blue, really-there-to-care friends are harder to find. I love spending time with Husband, and I have chosen to skip many events to spend time at home with him. Even though I missed him, I'm really glad that I chose to attend this dinner and will try to make more time for girlfriends now that I see how much it lifted my spirit. I have to believe I'll find the tried and true types someday, but only if I take the time to meet new people.

I wish for all of you to take the time to seek out those that lift your spirits, laugh, and have that extra glass of wine!

Until next time...

Wham!

So I've had it. I'm turning into a jealous, crazy, competitive beast. My mind is racing with ideas about how to conduct my life without thinking about baby-making or baby-anything. Today is CD1...again.

Last night, my other sister called to say she is 5 weeks pregnant. Now I am officially the last sister (also the oldest in the family) to get pregnant - if God should allow me this blessing. I kept my composure as she shared her good news. This was her moment and I wanted it to be celebrated. She deserves all the happiness in the world and I am so thankful that she and her husband are not experiencing the pain and frustration that we are.
Once the call ended, I came unglued. I'm someone who needs to share my life and my thoughts - an open book - and I have been really proud of myself for keeping our journey quiet, but news like that is just too much for me to hold inside.

Husband tried to immediately comfort me, but I couldn't stand to be hugged. Looking back, my leaving for another room was probably best for both of us. So many thoughts were racing through my mind...

"why couldn't this have been me?",

"you are acting like a child",

"when is it my turn?"

My temper-tantrum, or nervous breakdown as we grownups call it, helped me to see what I am really upset about...I need something of my own. Husband has hunting and fishing. I sleep and visit with family and friends, but have nothing to really share about what is going on in my life. I need something to share and be proud of...something to immerse myself in. SOOOO...my goal is to begin something creative. I need to start trying new things to find something that I truly enjoy and can make my own even after our baby arrives.

I will keep you all posted as I begin trying new creative ventures. Pray for me that it takes the edge off of the whole I'm not pregnant pains and helps me fulfill something in me that I have been missing for a long time.

Until next time...

Therapy

After much searching, I found a basal body thermometer or BBT only to find (after returning home) that it is the exact same thermometer I already owned. Ok...so I have two, one for backup (positive thinker). I wake up every morning at 6:30 to take and record my temperature. I have only been charting for one cycle, but it feels like a year. This is probably due to my insane obsession with seeing my chart grow and searching for charts "just like mine" that resulted in pregnancy. If it happened for one it could happen for me, right?

This blog is supposed to be therapeutic for me, so I'm going to delve into the serious stuff so I can get it out first and then move on to more positive thinking. I am easily angered or saddened by this process. Beyond the first 2 months of trying, there is nothing romantic or fun about waiting on a baby. In an effort to minimize my stress, I am boycotting any baby sites, baby stores, baby movies, baby books...etc. More and more, my thoughts wander to the negative side of introducing a new baby to our family - no sleep, not being able to figure out why the baby is upset, the teenage years... I think my mind is trying to protect my heart from the disappointment that happens each month. To make matters worse, we have decided to keep the fact that we are TTC a secret. I broke down and shared with one person, but that person responded with the dreaded "quit worrying and it will happen". This coming from a woman who was surprised by her pregnancy and has no idea what it is to wait and want. Note to self: Be prepared for verbal blows before sharing again.

My mother never talks to me about children - I can tell it makes her uncomfortable because she feels, after 6+ years with no grandchildren, that we have decided not to have children. She'll make little comments like "Your father and I have been ready for a long time" and "You know your sister had to learn how to be a mother" (in case fear of failure was keeping us from having children). She has been in a constant state of despair as her youngest child and mother to their only grandchild is 500 miles away. I feel like such a failure as the oldest child (more on this topic later). I want to open up to her, but she has a hard time keeping things to herself, and I don't think it would help if she were constantly checking in to see if we were successful or "had hit a home run" as my husband and I call it. I have a truly wonderful mother and she would be heart-broken to hear me say that I was afraid to share, but I feel at this time, I have to protect myself first.

My husband is getting better at listening. Due to traveling, we missed the best opportunity to "hit a home run" and it has left me feeling down and angry. Last night, he let me cry and hugged me. It was exactly what I needed him to do. We are ready for some happy news! Anything happy at all!

Until next time...

Here we go...

Hi everyone.  My name is Mrs. C.  This blog is about our journey trying to conceive our first child.  My husband and I have been happily married for 6 years.  I truly found my best friend.  The person who loves me for me.  We have a running joke that "I'm not sick of you yet".  :)  We both come from loving families and I have been dreaming of starting our own for years now.  He finally got on board in November and we have been trying ever since.  

I'm 32 years old and never thought getting pregnant would be an issue for me/us...never.  These past 5 months have been exciting and trying.  I worry that my constant excitement, hopefulness, and dreaming are slowing down the process.  I want this so badly and find that I am having a difficult time dealing with the lack of control.  My hope, like many bloggers before me, is to alleviate some stress by sharing some of my concerns or thoughts in an anonymous format.  I look forward to sharing my story and meeting and learning others who share similar experiences.  

Until next time...