Friday, September 30, 2011

Feeling Low...Gonna Rant...

Since my last posting, I've finally started the whole "why am I an infertile" process.  Had my first and only meeting with the actual doctor on September 7th.  Results of that meeting/checkup revealed a bacterial infection that after reading up on it I am SOOO happy she diagnosed and treated.  Hoping it hasn't been around long enough to do any real damage to my system.

Husband provided sample for SA.  His numbers came back so low that the nurses were leading me to believe the doctor only saw IVF with ICSI as our only option.  Here's a tidbit to share with your men...make sure they get ALL of the sample in the container before turning it into the lab.  Husband missed a bit and well, that bit really counted because a second SA revealed ALL numbers in the normal range!!!

You can imagine how stressed I have been this month.  Before we received the results of the second SA, Husband and I talked about our options should IVF and ICSI be our only choice and he informed me that at this time he wasn't on board for any of that.  My heart broke.  I thank God every day that his numbers came back normal the second time around.  Thank you God! Thank you!

I attribute my later than normal late ovulation to this insane amount of stress.  I'm a late ovulator anyway, ovulating anywhere from day 18 to day 22.  However, this month I ovulated on day 23.  The one time I was pregnant, it was on day 18.  I know in my gut that my eggs aren't as good by the time I am ovulating and/or my progesterone is crap because the little follicle took too long to let it all go (I'm not a doctor...just a gut feeling).

On top of all of that, I have to call and call to remind them to contact me again.  It sounds like my doctor has SO much going on that infertiles have to take not necessarily the back seat, but maybe the middle row to those who are pregnant.  I mean I get that...I'm realistic...but please don't say you will call back and then wait for me to call two days later.  Please!  I would be happy with an update call just to touch base and ease my nerves.

On Monday, I had my blood drawn to check for progesterone.  This test is normally performed on day 5 or 7 after ovulating I believe. Due to this crazy knowledge gathering month, I was only on 1DPO.  On one day after ovulating, my levels were at 2.5.  The nurse assured me this was good as anything above .8 was normal for that time.  She also kept reminding me that I had ovulated.  I KNOW I OVULATED!  I'm a regular ovulator!  This is another sign that this office is so overwhelmed that they are treating all patients the same.  Not everyone has the same story.  I'm not blond, blue-eyed, or a 28 day cycler!  Come on!

The nurse keeps apologizing to me because she was supposed to get us an appointment (at the doctor's request) to meet with the doctor together to discuss possible reasons why Husband's SA results could have been so drastically different.  She also wanted to wait until my progesterone results were back.  I have been talking to the nurse since Monday and she was unable to catch up with the doctor until today and the doctor could not work me in due to emergency surgery with another patient.  I get it.  I do.  Just please call and please stop referring to me as anxious.  I am not anxious.  I am frustrated, mad, sad, angry...but not anxious.  Get it right.  

So the nurse and I have come up with a game plan.  They are going to monitor me for 3 cycles.  I am supposed to call when I either 1.) get my period or 2.) reach day 35 and take a pregnancy test - call either way.  I asked if I could ask for this specific nurse so someone would know my story and remember that I am me and not every other Pregnant Polly.  Fortunately, she said yes (also weird side note:  this girl graduated 1 year behind me in school, so she knows who I am...hoping this is why she is so willing to help).   So now I wait.  I'm on CD5 and while I have tender breasts, I always have tender breasts after ovulation.

Husband and I went to lunch.  I told him what the doctor said and my emotions got the best of me.  His response was to become irritated immediately.  I said sorry, but that is not what I need from you.  I need support.  I'm human...I have feelings...oh and I'm a crier.  He said he wasn't trying to not be supportive, he just hates to see me cry.  He's happy about the news and says it sounds like everything is turning out normal!  I appreciate his try at optimism, but it's not sinking in very well today.

I need a friend.  Best local friend is no longer an option as she is pregnant and I can't bring all of this negativity into her life.  Plus I'm a little pissed that she has not asked me about our journey once since the first time I got the nerve to actually tell her about what is going on.  (On a side note:  Sister hasn't asked me either.  She made reference to "when [we] were trying" as if we ever stopped!)  I need someone who will let me cry, who will let me be the victim one day and the strong supportive friend the next.  Someone who will not reply with don't stress, stay calm, or any other stupid phrase.  I need someone who will not ALWAYS talk about themselves and leave little room for anything but a one-liner from me.  I need someone to love me and allow me to just say what I'm thinking...even if it sounds absolutely awful!  I feel like I am drowning here and I know that these feelings will continue to get in the way of my getting pregnant and starting the one thing I have always wanted...a family. now this blog is up-to-date.  I'm heading out of town with Mother and pregnant Sister for the night and a day of shopping tomorrow.  I know much of this time will revolve around grandchildren and how happy my parents are because of their existence.  God please be with me.


  1. I am sorry you are feeling down ((hugs)) If you ever need to chat, let me know. I understand that frustration when all the tests come back normal and things still aren't working. I hope you can enjoy your weekend, despite all of the grandchild talk.

  2. Thanks Mrs. B. Just knowing someone "heard" me helps. :) I hope you have a great weekend too!

  3. Just wanted to say hi and that I missed you. I hope all is going well with your plans!

  4. I'm ending the old blog. Just wanted to let you know. If you follow the breakfast with the Bennetts link it will take you to the other one that I am going back to. I miss your posts but I love your comments. I hope you are doing well.

  5. go check out the old blog. there is a new post.

    1. Can't get to the Positively Positive blog. It says I have to be allowed in. Am I going to the right place? Please add me to your list if so. Excited to see what your post says.