So I did it. I called the doctor to schedule a fertility appointment. I feel excited and relieved to have finally made that call. I could not fall asleep last night and the later it got, the more awake I became. Looking back now, I don't think it was anxiety as much as excitement and drive to keep myself pumped to call. No one wants to make the call that starts the process that could tell them they are not perfect. BUT, I can no longer take month after month of disappointment with no explanation. The nurse will be calling me back to schedule a day and time after speaking with the doctor. I can't wait to hear that day so I can start this process and move forward. I feel empowered.
Update: 3 Hours Later: The doctor's office called and the first availability if OCTOBER 3rd. A month from now. I immediately started to cry and asked the nurse why so long and she said it was her first availability. She felt awful and tried to look into it. Since I never actually saw the doctor with my miscarriage, I guess I'm not technically a patient and don't deserve priority until I see her. Nevermind that I paid her damn office to see ME and that all of my information is in their system. The nurse said she would look through the schedule and see if there was an earlier opening, but I'm on the books for a month from now.
I am so angry I cried. I have always been a sensitive, emotional girl, but it seems my emotions are always on the surface, waiting to erupt when I receive bad news about making a baby. I feel like a failure and I am so disappointed in my body and my emotional state.
Now, I am fighting with myself over what to do with this next month. I could just forget baby-making and relax this month, possibly wasting this month's baby-making opportunity, or I could continue on with my journey and just focus on baby-making...forgetting about the October 3rd appointment. If anyone is reading this, what are your thoughts? What would you do if you were me? Are you having a hard time controlling the crying fits? How do you control your emotions?