Jealousy...

Best friend is pregnant.  One of the only two who know we have been trying is pregnant.  She was so scared to tell me and of course that made me feel awful, but at the same time I didn't feel I had to put on a pretend happy face and squeal.  I told her I was truly happy for her.  It's what she has been wanting and I prayed she would receive her wish.

Trying not to be jealous here, but to think positive instead...wouldn't it be amazing if I were pregnant this time around too? We could go through pregnancy together; laughing at the uncontrollable farting and sharing groans and moans for the discomfort.  I think it is ok to ask for prayers, so if anyone prays out there, please say a prayer for me.

Thanks for listening

It's a boy!

My sister and brother-in-law just called.  They are having a boy.  The first boy in our family.  Now I've gotta have twins to make any kind of impression. (jk)

Just talked with Dad.  The first thing out of his mouth was "another first".  All I heard was "another first that you didn't do...good luck"!  I know that's negative, but that's where I'm at.

On the positive side, I did not feel jealousy when she told me.  I felt joy and excitement for them both.  After having built a home at the beginning of this year, the Midwest floods have made it impossible to get to their new home. So, this is great news during what could be an extremely stressful time.  They are truly blessed to be having a healthy boy and I believe that is what I heard when listening to them tell me the big news.  Thank you God for their healthy baby boy and my future nephew.  I'm the first to be an aunt two times.  There's my first. There it is.

Ok...waiting on ovulation and getting out of town this weekend to relax. Scheduled a massage for Monday to continue the relaxation.  Crossing fingers that this will be our month...fingers are starting to look a little weathered from all the crossing, but they are hanging in there and so am I.

Update...

I'm lucky to have a friend like you!

Blessed with a blogging buddy who has missed my presence here in blogger land (thank you friend), I am reminded I need to post an update!  I'm completely fine, just lead a boring life and did not feel I had anything of interest to contribute lately. It's time to dust off the blog and get everyone caught up.  Here we go...randomly:

Husband was on call through the month of July, so we didn't get to go anywhere but as I previously mentioned, my family was in town so we spent a week visiting.  My niece was baptized and I can now add godmother to my list of life accomplishments (yay!).  The day was absolutely beautiful and Niece fell asleep moments before the ceremony, so that was a blessing too.  Thank you God for that special moment.  I feel so blessed to have that little girl in my life. Please let me be a good role model and someone she feels she can turn to when she needs anything.

Saw the last Harry Potter.  I won't say much other than I highly recommend you see it in the theater both for effect and come on...it's the last one!  It's worth the extra $5 or $7 to see it on the big screen.   :)

I am a HUGE movie watcher...and well, pathetically a t.v. junkie too. This one is two part:

1. Have been on a mission to see all of the Tyler Perry movies. I just love them.  They are like a really good Lifetime movie but much, much funnier. 
2. I'm worried the phrase "idiot box" is applying to me.  Since beginning our TTC, I find I retreat into t.v. and movies more than ever to avoid thinking about what I don't have.  My mind is mush.  Need to find a different hobby and fast. 

Last weekend, we attended a convention for Husband's favorite activity...hunting.  The smile on his face was what I imagine he looked like on Christmas morning as a child.  He was in heaven and it was so fun for me to see him so happy and excited.  

This weekend Husband has switched his work schedule so we can get away for a night.  The one time we were pregnant was right after returning from vacation.  While we can't take 4 days again this time, I'm hoping that 1 or 2 days will help me to relax.  I'm thinking of scheduling two massages over the next 4 weeks to see if that will help me stay in a relaxed state.  

Someday...

Pregnant sister's brother and sister-in-law had their first child.  A little baby girl.  Sister sent me phone pics of the new baby - she is gorgeous.  Her text messages exuded excitement and pride, and I couldn't help but think of the thoughts she must be having about her own little one on the way this December.  I cannot wait until I too cannot help but think those same thoughts about my own little bundle when our time comes.  *dreamy sigh*

I've ordered (and should receive tomorrow) a book by the same doctor that Giuliana and Bill Rancic visit on their show.  They have been dealing with infertility openly on their show and I find great comfort in Giuliana's amazing attitude about the whole process. The book is called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility by David and Blakeway.  It sounds like it will be a natural, no-nonsense approach to baby making.  Even though I have read the Rancics are moving on to another round of in vitro, I'll let you know what I think and time will tell if what we tried works.

Last random thought:  During the last episode of Giuliana and Bill, Guiliana was at her sister's house helping her prepare for CHILD #4 (a challenge to be positive and excited about to an infertile anyway).  Her sister, family, and friends were all there helping and chatting about pregnancy while sorting through baby clothes.  I about died when Giuliana's young niece asked her if she was jealous of the other ladies who were getting pregnant while she wasn't!! The niece had no idea of the gravity of her question, but Giuliana answered with grace.  My eyes were full of tears for Giuliana, yet her strength gives me strength much like all of you out there in blogger land.  

Ok...that's it.  Now you are all caught up and can probably see why I have not posted recently as my life is pretty boring...work, eat, sleep, and sometimes play.  :)  Hope you have a great week!

Answer Brand OPKs

For those of you that OPK, I want to share my experience with Answer's OPKs.  I have been using First Response (FR) 7 day OPKs loyally.  The results coincide with my temperature shifts and therefore, I feel confident about the accuracy of the OPK.  Because we are keeping our TTC a secret, I decided to purchase the OPKs and a box of pregnancy tests the last time we were out of town...it's just easier.  Of course this WalMart did not carry FR OPKs!  I couldn't believe it.  FR is such a popular and well-known brand!  Anyway, I looked through the different brands, deciding against Clear Blue because I did not have luck with their pregnancy tests and chose Answer brand because it looked exactly like FR...maybe this was the generic version.  Arrived home and found that they are exactly like FR except they do not have caps for the pee side of the stick...gross.

1. First test came back positive or maybe it was negative (it was really close).  I changed it to negative a few days later when I saw the other tests were giving a stronger positive.   
2. Second test came back positive.  
3. Third test came back positive.  (The Internet experts on baby making suggest that you stop taking OPK tests once you receive a positive, but I like to make sure we did the deed throughout the possible window of fertility.)  
4. Fourth test came back SUPER positive. 
5. Today, I took the fifth test and it came back like the first...too close to call, so I'm calling it negative because the days prior to this one were a much stronger result.  

Since this is the first cycle after the failed pregnancy, I'm ready for my body to be off.  After some research on the Internet again, I'm learning that some OPK tests are more sensitive than others; Answer being one of the most sensitive and FR being one of the least.  It seems that FR picks up on my LH surge on the highest days but Answer picks up on it on all of the days with higher LH levels...even slightly higher, but not surging.  I also learned that there are times when the egg doesn't quite let go and therefore the LH surge may stick around until that egg comes out of the tube.  (Again, this is all from the Internet and I try to search the reputable sources, but there's always a possibility they are incorrect.)  So you can see why I might be nervous about whether or not we have baby danced during the fertile window.  Husband and I have already set a new dancing record.  It's hard not to take it personally when he's not up for it again, but I'm sure he's tired and it's frustrating for him to deal with how long it takes me to get going after days and days of dancing.  My mind is not in a romantic place right now - it's in the "I want to be pregnant and move on to the next phase of our lives" mode.  (Sorry if TMI - hoping my story helps someone else.)

Anyway - I believe I ovulated on the 18th.  I lost the first pregnancy on what would have been 21 DPO, so I am waiting until 24 DPO before testing this time.  I also read that testing after the first day of a missed period can show a chemical pregnancy that is gone a week later, so they recommend waiting a week until testing.  Nice.

Anyway - I hope that this round works as always and I hope this little bit of information will help someone else who is charting!

Here we are waiting again...

Cycle day 21...first cycle after the failed pregnancy.  The doctor said they wouldn't even call it a miscarriage because it was so early.  I call it painful and I'm finding my feelings are swaying back and forth between fear and total calm.

One minute I'm feeling calm and I attribute that to the fact that I know I CAN get pregnant.  I just want to be pregnant now.  I know many women don't even know if they can get pregnant, so I should count my blessings.

On the other hand, if this cycle works, when can we celebrate?

Also, family is in town.  First golden grandchild and wonderful pregnant sister who shared her prediction that I would be the last to have children are here in all their glory and keep calling wanting me to come out to Mom's.  No.  I am in the midst of waiting on implantation and I need to be happy and calm.  I will see them tomorrow and Saturday for the baby's baptism.  I am the godmother and will be there to love and support my little god-daughter.  But, right now, I need time for me.  Sorry girls.

I'm proud of myself because normally I give in and do what is best for everyone else.  I'm learning it's ok to be selfish at times and I need to take care of myself if I want to start a family of our own.  It's not like we can pick up and try again next week.  We have to wait another grueling month.

Ok...those are my Thursday thoughts.  Hope all of you are happier and taking time for yourselves too.

I've never been so glad to be normal...

I knew the doctor would call after I posted and gave in and had a bowl of sugary cereal (a very small bowl).  Sugar levels came back normal!  Thank you God!  I have never...ever...been so happy to be normal.  :)  Still going to watch my sugars and carbs...just in case.

Game on...

Well, the doctor's office never called with my results.  I am following the no news is good news philosophy.  Husband wants me to call and confirm that all is normal, but I'm not making that call.  I told him to make that call.  I'm fine.  I know I am.  (I've started watching my sugars and carb intake just to be healthier.  I'm taking this as a wake up call.)

Soooo, back to waiting for ovulation and charting my heart out.  I have to confess, I love OPK time.  Looking forward to peeing on a stick this afternoon and watching for the little pink line that shows up every month to let me know it's time to get it on!  Based on my previous info, I should O over the weekend. Mom and I are having a garage sale, so my mind will be focused on other things - hoping that keeps my stress levels down.  Just the thought of getting rid of all our junk makes me feel amazing!  :)

Hope everyone that is reading this is having a great Tuesday!