Feeling Low...Gonna Rant...

Since my last posting, I've finally started the whole "why am I an infertile" process.  Had my first and only meeting with the actual doctor on September 7th.  Results of that meeting/checkup revealed a bacterial infection that after reading up on it I am SOOO happy she diagnosed and treated.  Hoping it hasn't been around long enough to do any real damage to my system.

Husband provided sample for SA.  His numbers came back so low that the nurses were leading me to believe the doctor only saw IVF with ICSI as our only option.  Here's a tidbit to share with your men...make sure they get ALL of the sample in the container before turning it into the lab.  Husband missed a bit and well, that bit really counted because a second SA revealed ALL numbers in the normal range!!!

You can imagine how stressed I have been this month.  Before we received the results of the second SA, Husband and I talked about our options should IVF and ICSI be our only choice and he informed me that at this time he wasn't on board for any of that.  My heart broke.  I thank God every day that his numbers came back normal the second time around.  Thank you God! Thank you!

I attribute my later than normal late ovulation to this insane amount of stress.  I'm a late ovulator anyway, ovulating anywhere from day 18 to day 22.  However, this month I ovulated on day 23.  The one time I was pregnant, it was on day 18.  I know in my gut that my eggs aren't as good by the time I am ovulating and/or my progesterone is crap because the little follicle took too long to let it all go (I'm not a doctor...just a gut feeling).

On top of all of that, I have to call and call to remind them to contact me again.  It sounds like my doctor has SO much going on that infertiles have to take not necessarily the back seat, but maybe the middle row to those who are pregnant.  I mean I get that...I'm realistic...but please don't say you will call back and then wait for me to call two days later.  Please!  I would be happy with an update call just to touch base and ease my nerves.

On Monday, I had my blood drawn to check for progesterone.  This test is normally performed on day 5 or 7 after ovulating I believe. Due to this crazy knowledge gathering month, I was only on 1DPO.  On one day after ovulating, my levels were at 2.5.  The nurse assured me this was good as anything above .8 was normal for that time.  She also kept reminding me that I had ovulated.  I KNOW I OVULATED!  I'm a regular ovulator!  This is another sign that this office is so overwhelmed that they are treating all patients the same.  Not everyone has the same story.  I'm not blond, blue-eyed, or a 28 day cycler!  Come on!

The nurse keeps apologizing to me because she was supposed to get us an appointment (at the doctor's request) to meet with the doctor together to discuss possible reasons why Husband's SA results could have been so drastically different.  She also wanted to wait until my progesterone results were back.  I have been talking to the nurse since Monday and she was unable to catch up with the doctor until today and the doctor could not work me in due to emergency surgery with another patient.  I get it.  I do.  Just please call and please stop referring to me as anxious.  I am not anxious.  I am frustrated, mad, sad, angry...but not anxious.  Get it right.  

So the nurse and I have come up with a game plan.  They are going to monitor me for 3 cycles.  I am supposed to call when I either 1.) get my period or 2.) reach day 35 and take a pregnancy test - call either way.  I asked if I could ask for this specific nurse so someone would know my story and remember that I am me and not every other Pregnant Polly.  Fortunately, she said yes (also weird side note:  this girl graduated 1 year behind me in school, so she knows who I am...hoping this is why she is so willing to help).   So now I wait.  I'm on CD5 and while I have tender breasts, I always have tender breasts after ovulation.

Husband and I went to lunch.  I told him what the doctor said and my emotions got the best of me.  His response was to become irritated immediately.  I said sorry, but that is not what I need from you.  I need support.  I'm human...I have feelings...oh and I'm a crier.  He said he wasn't trying to not be supportive, he just hates to see me cry.  He's happy about the news and says it sounds like everything is turning out normal!  I appreciate his try at optimism, but it's not sinking in very well today.

I need a friend.  Best local friend is no longer an option as she is pregnant and I can't bring all of this negativity into her life.  Plus I'm a little pissed that she has not asked me about our journey once since the first time I got the nerve to actually tell her about what is going on.  (On a side note:  Sister hasn't asked me either.  She made reference to "when [we] were trying" as if we ever stopped!)  I need someone who will let me cry, who will let me be the victim one day and the strong supportive friend the next.  Someone who will not reply with don't stress, stay calm, or any other stupid phrase.  I need someone who will not ALWAYS talk about themselves and leave little room for anything but a one-liner from me.  I need someone to love me and allow me to just say what I'm thinking...even if it sounds absolutely awful!  I feel like I am drowning here and I know that these feelings will continue to get in the way of my getting pregnant and starting the one thing I have always wanted...a family.  

Ok...so now this blog is up-to-date.  I'm heading out of town with Mother and pregnant Sister for the night and a day of shopping tomorrow.  I know much of this time will revolve around grandchildren and how happy my parents are because of their existence.  God please be with me.
 

First Steps...

So I did it.  I called the doctor to schedule a fertility appointment.  I feel excited and relieved to have finally made that call.  I could not fall asleep last night and the later it got, the more awake I became.  Looking back now, I don't think it was anxiety as much as excitement and drive to keep myself pumped to call.  No one wants to make the call that starts the process that could tell them they are not perfect.  BUT, I can no longer take month after month of disappointment with no explanation.  The nurse will be calling me back to schedule a day and time after speaking with the doctor.  I can't wait to hear that day so I can start this process and move forward.  I feel empowered.

Update: 3 Hours Later: The doctor's office called and the first availability if OCTOBER 3rd.  A month from now.  I immediately started to cry and asked the nurse why so long and she said it was her first availability.  She felt awful and tried to look into it.  Since I never actually saw the doctor with my miscarriage, I guess I'm not technically a patient and don't deserve priority until I see her.  Nevermind that I paid her damn office to see ME and that all of my information is in their system.  The nurse said she would look through the schedule and see if there was an earlier opening, but I'm on the books for a month from now.

I am so angry I cried.  I have always been a sensitive, emotional girl, but it seems my emotions are always on the surface, waiting to erupt when I receive bad news about making a baby.  I feel like a failure and I am so disappointed in my body and my emotional state.

Now, I am fighting with myself over what to do with this next month.  I could just forget baby-making and relax this month, possibly wasting this month's baby-making opportunity, or I could continue on with my journey and just focus on baby-making...forgetting about the October 3rd appointment.  If anyone is reading this, what are your thoughts?  What would you do if you were me?  Are you having a hard time controlling the crying fits?  How do you control your emotions?

Prayers...

On the days leading up to ovulation, I scheduled two massages.  The relaxation, calm, and focus that I found alerted me that I had forgotten to take care of my own spirit.  I have been so worried about creating the little spirit that would be our first child that I forgot about myself.  I have since had two more massages, and find this two week wait to still be exciting and difficult, but I do not feel the pressure that was always there before the massages.

During the first massage, I confessed to the massage therapist that my husband and I had been trying to conceive for 9 months now and then I started to tear up.  She was so kind and comforting.  She then told me she would pray for me.  Maybe because I was in a vulnerable state, it hit me harder than ever.  What a beautiful thought that someone would talk to God for me.  That blessing provided so much support and love that I felt better before the relaxing massage even began.

Another blogger has said she will pray for me too.  Thank you for those prayers.  They provide so much relief during a time that can easily be filled with shame, disappointment, and uncertainty.

I hope those reading this know that I pray for each of you and ask God that he give you the courage to continue on your journey, the grace to hold your head up and deal with announcements of pregnancy joy, and I ask him to bless each of you that you may be pregnant soon and move on to the next chapter in your lives; full of happiness and family.

This sounds like I'm toasting the mothers-to-be that I have grown to care for and pray for often.  So today I'll sign off with a Cheers!

Jealousy...

Best friend is pregnant.  One of the only two who know we have been trying is pregnant.  She was so scared to tell me and of course that made me feel awful, but at the same time I didn't feel I had to put on a pretend happy face and squeal.  I told her I was truly happy for her.  It's what she has been wanting and I prayed she would receive her wish.

Trying not to be jealous here, but to think positive instead...wouldn't it be amazing if I were pregnant this time around too? We could go through pregnancy together; laughing at the uncontrollable farting and sharing groans and moans for the discomfort.  I think it is ok to ask for prayers, so if anyone prays out there, please say a prayer for me.

Thanks for listening

It's a boy!

My sister and brother-in-law just called.  They are having a boy.  The first boy in our family.  Now I've gotta have twins to make any kind of impression. (jk)

Just talked with Dad.  The first thing out of his mouth was "another first".  All I heard was "another first that you didn't do...good luck"!  I know that's negative, but that's where I'm at.

On the positive side, I did not feel jealousy when she told me.  I felt joy and excitement for them both.  After having built a home at the beginning of this year, the Midwest floods have made it impossible to get to their new home. So, this is great news during what could be an extremely stressful time.  They are truly blessed to be having a healthy boy and I believe that is what I heard when listening to them tell me the big news.  Thank you God for their healthy baby boy and my future nephew.  I'm the first to be an aunt two times.  There's my first. There it is.

Ok...waiting on ovulation and getting out of town this weekend to relax. Scheduled a massage for Monday to continue the relaxation.  Crossing fingers that this will be our month...fingers are starting to look a little weathered from all the crossing, but they are hanging in there and so am I.

Update...

I'm lucky to have a friend like you!

Blessed with a blogging buddy who has missed my presence here in blogger land (thank you friend), I am reminded I need to post an update!  I'm completely fine, just lead a boring life and did not feel I had anything of interest to contribute lately. It's time to dust off the blog and get everyone caught up.  Here we go...randomly:

Husband was on call through the month of July, so we didn't get to go anywhere but as I previously mentioned, my family was in town so we spent a week visiting.  My niece was baptized and I can now add godmother to my list of life accomplishments (yay!).  The day was absolutely beautiful and Niece fell asleep moments before the ceremony, so that was a blessing too.  Thank you God for that special moment.  I feel so blessed to have that little girl in my life. Please let me be a good role model and someone she feels she can turn to when she needs anything.

Saw the last Harry Potter.  I won't say much other than I highly recommend you see it in the theater both for effect and come on...it's the last one!  It's worth the extra $5 or $7 to see it on the big screen.   :)

I am a HUGE movie watcher...and well, pathetically a t.v. junkie too. This one is two part:

1. Have been on a mission to see all of the Tyler Perry movies. I just love them.  They are like a really good Lifetime movie but much, much funnier. 
2. I'm worried the phrase "idiot box" is applying to me.  Since beginning our TTC, I find I retreat into t.v. and movies more than ever to avoid thinking about what I don't have.  My mind is mush.  Need to find a different hobby and fast. 

Last weekend, we attended a convention for Husband's favorite activity...hunting.  The smile on his face was what I imagine he looked like on Christmas morning as a child.  He was in heaven and it was so fun for me to see him so happy and excited.  

This weekend Husband has switched his work schedule so we can get away for a night.  The one time we were pregnant was right after returning from vacation.  While we can't take 4 days again this time, I'm hoping that 1 or 2 days will help me to relax.  I'm thinking of scheduling two massages over the next 4 weeks to see if that will help me stay in a relaxed state.  

Someday...

Pregnant sister's brother and sister-in-law had their first child.  A little baby girl.  Sister sent me phone pics of the new baby - she is gorgeous.  Her text messages exuded excitement and pride, and I couldn't help but think of the thoughts she must be having about her own little one on the way this December.  I cannot wait until I too cannot help but think those same thoughts about my own little bundle when our time comes.  *dreamy sigh*

I've ordered (and should receive tomorrow) a book by the same doctor that Giuliana and Bill Rancic visit on their show.  They have been dealing with infertility openly on their show and I find great comfort in Giuliana's amazing attitude about the whole process. The book is called Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility by David and Blakeway.  It sounds like it will be a natural, no-nonsense approach to baby making.  Even though I have read the Rancics are moving on to another round of in vitro, I'll let you know what I think and time will tell if what we tried works.

Last random thought:  During the last episode of Giuliana and Bill, Guiliana was at her sister's house helping her prepare for CHILD #4 (a challenge to be positive and excited about to an infertile anyway).  Her sister, family, and friends were all there helping and chatting about pregnancy while sorting through baby clothes.  I about died when Giuliana's young niece asked her if she was jealous of the other ladies who were getting pregnant while she wasn't!! The niece had no idea of the gravity of her question, but Giuliana answered with grace.  My eyes were full of tears for Giuliana, yet her strength gives me strength much like all of you out there in blogger land.  

Ok...that's it.  Now you are all caught up and can probably see why I have not posted recently as my life is pretty boring...work, eat, sleep, and sometimes play.  :)  Hope you have a great week!

Answer Brand OPKs

For those of you that OPK, I want to share my experience with Answer's OPKs.  I have been using First Response (FR) 7 day OPKs loyally.  The results coincide with my temperature shifts and therefore, I feel confident about the accuracy of the OPK.  Because we are keeping our TTC a secret, I decided to purchase the OPKs and a box of pregnancy tests the last time we were out of town...it's just easier.  Of course this WalMart did not carry FR OPKs!  I couldn't believe it.  FR is such a popular and well-known brand!  Anyway, I looked through the different brands, deciding against Clear Blue because I did not have luck with their pregnancy tests and chose Answer brand because it looked exactly like FR...maybe this was the generic version.  Arrived home and found that they are exactly like FR except they do not have caps for the pee side of the stick...gross.

1. First test came back positive or maybe it was negative (it was really close).  I changed it to negative a few days later when I saw the other tests were giving a stronger positive.   
2. Second test came back positive.  
3. Third test came back positive.  (The Internet experts on baby making suggest that you stop taking OPK tests once you receive a positive, but I like to make sure we did the deed throughout the possible window of fertility.)  
4. Fourth test came back SUPER positive. 
5. Today, I took the fifth test and it came back like the first...too close to call, so I'm calling it negative because the days prior to this one were a much stronger result.  

Since this is the first cycle after the failed pregnancy, I'm ready for my body to be off.  After some research on the Internet again, I'm learning that some OPK tests are more sensitive than others; Answer being one of the most sensitive and FR being one of the least.  It seems that FR picks up on my LH surge on the highest days but Answer picks up on it on all of the days with higher LH levels...even slightly higher, but not surging.  I also learned that there are times when the egg doesn't quite let go and therefore the LH surge may stick around until that egg comes out of the tube.  (Again, this is all from the Internet and I try to search the reputable sources, but there's always a possibility they are incorrect.)  So you can see why I might be nervous about whether or not we have baby danced during the fertile window.  Husband and I have already set a new dancing record.  It's hard not to take it personally when he's not up for it again, but I'm sure he's tired and it's frustrating for him to deal with how long it takes me to get going after days and days of dancing.  My mind is not in a romantic place right now - it's in the "I want to be pregnant and move on to the next phase of our lives" mode.  (Sorry if TMI - hoping my story helps someone else.)

Anyway - I believe I ovulated on the 18th.  I lost the first pregnancy on what would have been 21 DPO, so I am waiting until 24 DPO before testing this time.  I also read that testing after the first day of a missed period can show a chemical pregnancy that is gone a week later, so they recommend waiting a week until testing.  Nice.

Anyway - I hope that this round works as always and I hope this little bit of information will help someone else who is charting!